Awake...

I am awake tonight/this morning for no particular reason. I have a lot on my mind and that is usually what keeps me from sleeping. I am struggling with a lot of things right now. My biggest struggle is about this whole mom thing. I always thought becoming a mother would come easy to me. I am supposed to "get" kids, I have my degress in early childhood education, how more kid friendly can you get? However, all of this has been really hard. I think that most of it stems back to the complicated end to my pregnancy.

I feel like I did not get to enjoy the end at all. March was really a difficult month for me. I feel like it all wen really quickly. It all flew by me and I am not even sure what happened. I cannot even make sense of it right now. I took notes and wrote things down but it all seems to just be a big blur right now.

I know that I love this baby. I waited so long for her to come into my life. I spent many nights praying about her and wishing that she would come into my life. I know that eventually I will feel that bond with her but right now I just feel like she is visiting. I feel like I am just watching her for someone else and that they are going to come pick her up at any moment.

I also want anyone reading this to know that I am sharing my feelings becasue I know that they are not always talked about. Sometimes we feel that we have to keep things inside for fear that others will judge us.