Today was the first day I really felt like Camryn's mom. She had her first doctor's appointment today and I was responsible for giving them all the information about her. For the past 2 weeks I have had nurses and my family helping out but today it was just Dan and I. My poor baby had to get undressed so they could do her measurements and then needed me to comfort her when she was done. I wrapped her up and held her close to keep her warm. Being needed was a really good feeling.
I have been struggling with my depression and anxiety since Cam was born. I have been feeling extremely overwhelmed with everything that has been happening. Between being put in the hospital myself and watching my baby girl there as well it has been a little chaotic around here. I am taking it day by day. I think once we have some more time to bond just the two of us things will get better.
Depression and I are old friends, we go way back. However, this is something new and I can tell you where it is coming from. However, I will start it off by saying I know it is not my fault and there was nothing I could have done to prevent what happened during my pregnancy. I basically feel like my pregnancy was cut short, I did not get to enjoy the end, and mostly I feel like my baby was ripped from me before she was ready. I know that it all might sound crazy with all the health issues I was having but plain and simple this is what I am feeling.
I am still not sure Camryn and I have had time to properly bond. She was taken from me by c-section and quickly placed in the NICU. I know this was for her health and I am happy she got such fantastic care while she was there but I got to see her for 30 seconds before she was gone again. She never stayed in my room while we were there and I feel like I missed out. I know it is going to happen eventually and it is starting to.
I had always heard that the love for your own child was different than any other kind of love and boy is that true. The love I feel for this baby is 10 times stronger than anything I have ever felt before.
Michelle, I know exactly what you're feeling about having her ripped from you and not seeing her until later in the NICU. I'm still morning the loss of my pregnancy and am so afraid that it will happen again next time.
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