Saturday, May 7, 2011

Becoming a mom...

Becoming a mom was something I have wanted for as long as I can remember. I became a mom for the first time in April of 2009. However, I only carried my baby for 10 weeks. In those 10 weeks I learned what it felt like to not only life for yourself but to live for someone else. Things changed for me then and there was no going back. After much heartbreak and many tears I would find out I was pregnant again in July of 2010. This pregnancy was much different than the first. During my first pregnancy I spent 10 weeks in a bubble of happiness. However, with this new pregnancy I was not able to do that for a long time. I felt like I as walking on pins and needles for the longest time. I never knew what every ache and pain would bring. It was very scary and just made my anxiety even worse. The weeks passed and eventually I felt my baby kick. This is by far the best feeling in the world. There is nothing like it and it is hard to explain. Every moment and kick meant things were ok on the inside and my baby was telling me not to worry so much.

I could never anticipate the way in which my baby would make her way into the world. I was not prepared for the unexpected. The only unexpected I thought was that my water would break in the middle of the night. I never anticipated her birth being so traumatic for me. This is the way I thought things would happen...

I would start having contractions on day in April of 2010...
I would wake Dan up and we would call my doula. She would come over and we would labor at home as long as possible. We would then make our way to the hospital.
I would yell and scream a little bit and a few hours later I would painfully push this baby out.

I WISH I could tell you that was the case. I wish I felt contractions so bad that they made me yell at Dan and tell him he did this crazy thing to me... Not the case...

I wish I could tell you that after I pushed my baby out they layed her on my chest and we started to bond from there...

I wish I could tell you that my baby was in the room with me after she was born.

Becoming a mom for me started long before this point. However, becoming Camryn's mom started on March 7, 2010 when I was admitted to the hospital because of pre-e. My blood pressure was high and I needed to be in bed, on my left side in order to keep us safe.

From here on out it was a fog. I big crappy fog that made me not remember what was happening. I was in bed for 4 days on "the mag." I could not leave my bed or eat for 4 days. That is enough to drive a person crazy!

My baby would make her way into the world after a long 48 hour failed induction. My baby would have to be cut out of me 5 weeks early because my body had failed us.

My 3 pound baby would be moved to the NICU after birth. My 3 pound baby would stay there for 16 days because my body failed us.

No one tells you that you might feel guilty for the birth of your child. No one tells you that something could go wrong.

With this being said I feel extremely blessed that my 3 pound baby was that big. Some babies are born smaller than she was. I feel blessed that she was only in the NICU for 16 days. I feel blessed that she only had an iv and feeding tube.

There are so many parents and babies with different, more critical situations.

No one tells you these things so I am going to. Pregnancy is hard, it changes you. Your body will not look the same. Giving birth is probably not going to be like it is on tv, breastfeeing sucks, it is hard, it hurts, and if you cannot do it becasue your body is not ready you might feel guilty. Having a newborn is hard. They wake up 100 times a night and most of the time right after you just (finally) fell asleep. You will worry about everything, that is normal.

and with all those crazy things you can never imagine... it is the best feeling in the world. There is nothing like it.

Camryn you make my world better. You make me want to be a better person. But most of all you make me happy which is something I once thought I would never be. You are by far the most amazing thing I have ever done in my life. Without you I would not get to celebrate this day.


  1. Love you! Happy Mother's Day.

  2. I found your blog on Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. I am very sorry for your loss. I too lost my baby, Lily Katherine, who was stillborn at fullterm on March 16, 2010. Although I wish nobody else had to know this pain, it's good to know I'm not alone and there are people who "get it." I'd love to have you follow along on my blog as well:

    Blessings, Hannah Rose