Becoming a mom...

Becoming a mom was something I have wanted for as long as I can remember. I became a mom for the first time in April of 2009. However, I only carried my baby for 10 weeks. In those 10 weeks I learned what it felt like to not only life for yourself but to live for someone else. Things changed for me then and there was no going back. After much heartbreak and many tears I would find out I was pregnant again in July of 2010. This pregnancy was much different than the first. During my first pregnancy I spent 10 weeks in a bubble of happiness. However, with this new pregnancy I was not able to do that for a long time. I felt like I as walking on pins and needles for the longest time. I never knew what every ache and pain would bring. It was very scary and just made my anxiety even worse. The weeks passed and eventually I felt my baby kick. This is by far the best feeling in the world. There is nothing like it and it is hard to explain. Every moment and kick meant things were ok on the inside and my baby was telling me not to worry so much.

I could never anticipate the way in which my baby would make her way into the world. I was not prepared for the unexpected. The only unexpected I thought was that my water would break in the middle of the night. I never anticipated her birth being so traumatic for me. This is the way I thought things would happen...

I would start having contractions on day in April of 2010...
I would wake Dan up and we would call my doula. She would come over and we would labor at home as long as possible. We would then make our way to the hospital.
I would yell and scream a little bit and a few hours later I would painfully push this baby out.

I WISH I could tell you that was the case. I wish I felt contractions so bad that they made me yell at Dan and tell him he did this crazy thing to me... Not the case...

I wish I could tell you that after I pushed my baby out they layed her on my chest and we started to bond from there...

I wish I could tell you that my baby was in the room with me after she was born.

Becoming a mom for me started long before this point. However, becoming Camryn's mom started on March 7, 2010 when I was admitted to the hospital because of pre-e. My blood pressure was high and I needed to be in bed, on my left side in order to keep us safe.

From here on out it was a fog. I big crappy fog that made me not remember what was happening. I was in bed for 4 days on "the mag." I could not leave my bed or eat for 4 days. That is enough to drive a person crazy!

My baby would make her way into the world after a long 48 hour failed induction. My baby would have to be cut out of me 5 weeks early because my body had failed us.

My 3 pound baby would be moved to the NICU after birth. My 3 pound baby would stay there for 16 days because my body failed us.

No one tells you that you might feel guilty for the birth of your child. No one tells you that something could go wrong.

With this being said I feel extremely blessed that my 3 pound baby was that big. Some babies are born smaller than she was. I feel blessed that she was only in the NICU for 16 days. I feel blessed that she only had an iv and feeding tube.

There are so many parents and babies with different, more critical situations.

No one tells you these things so I am going to. Pregnancy is hard, it changes you. Your body will not look the same. Giving birth is probably not going to be like it is on tv, breastfeeing sucks, it is hard, it hurts, and if you cannot do it becasue your body is not ready you might feel guilty. Having a newborn is hard. They wake up 100 times a night and most of the time right after you just (finally) fell asleep. You will worry about everything, that is normal.

and with all those crazy things you can never imagine... it is the best feeling in the world. There is nothing like it.

Camryn you make my world better. You make me want to be a better person. But most of all you make me happy which is something I once thought I would never be. You are by far the most amazing thing I have ever done in my life. Without you I would not get to celebrate this day.

Before you continue reading this blog...

There are some things you need to know about me...

First of all I am not an organized person. My house would be piles if it were not for my husband. Organization makes him happy. I would probably be a borderline hoarder because I generally go by the motto " I might be able to use that later." I like to pretend I am organized but in reality I am not!

I love food. I mean love it! I crave things like no one I know. While I was pregnant I wanted to eat everything tangy and spicy! I love Mexican food and soup! I am thankful I have some amazing cooks in my family and married into a a family where they know how to cook as well.

At one time I thought my career was what defined me. However, I am learning that there are so many more important things in life. I don't mean that my career is not important but there are things that might need me more than that!

I love my family. My family is everything to me. This includes my close friends too because they are key in my life. I also miss my family terribly because we live about 13 hours from them.

If possible I would live my life in sweatpants and flip flops. I would say barefoot but you generally need something on your feet to get around in this world today. If we had a yard I would never have shoes on. I have even been known to wear flip flops in the snow...

My hobbies include: scrap booking, crafting, photography, writing, reading, traveling, cooking, baking, and just being generally creative... I wish I had more space to do all this. My dream home includes a room which I can do all this stuff in. This is a room where Dan is not allowed to organize and I can just shut the door!

I don't wear makeup 99% of the time. Very rarely I put on some mascara but I don't even like to put lotion on my face...

I suffer from anxiety. Imperfections and scratches make me panic. This is something I have been dealing with my whole life. It drives Dan crazy and I try to control it but it has been a bumpy road... I will get into this more later.

I hate math and have never been good at it. I can't spell to save my life. School in general was never my thing. I took the bare minimum in high school. I some how figured out how to get my masters degree. I like to learn but I can't sit still so school was tough!

I am sure there is probably more you need to know about me but this is a start...

This is me... like it or leave it... I don't care!

This time last year...

I was offically on bedrest.

However, that was short lived and that turned into this...



Which turned into this...



but it was worth it for this...

My Mommy Pet Peeve...

is when people say that it was love at first sight or it came so naturally. For me it did not.... Not every mom feels like this right away!

It took me a few weeks to a month to even feel close to what I think some people experience with the birth of their child. My birth story is anything but typical. In short... I was induced for 48 hours, it did not work, my child was ripped from my body, and then sent to the NICU where she lived without me for 16 days.

That is all...

So much has changed...

I have not written in this thing for so long. I did not forget about it, I was just doing other things!

During the middle of June I had to return to work for a couple of weeks. I was originally supposed to be out for the rest of the year but because Cam arrived early I had to go back after being out 60 days.

After that we all traveled to Chicago. Dan stayed a couple of weeks and then flew home. Camryn and I stayed the entire month, we traveled around to friends and family, to WI and MI while there.We enjoyed our time at home but we were ready to come back! However, after coming back we ended up flying to CA (Cam's first flight)and stayed at Disney. We also drove to Las Vegas to meet one set of grandparents, we got a date night out of it too. Well I should say a baby free night since they kept her over night in their room. Bliss!

Here are some pictures from the past few months...










We were lucky to have a couple of weeks at home before I had to return to work. I am learning how to be a working mom. Thank god I have my husband who is a HUGE help with everything. He is fortunate enough to work from home one or two days during the week. Camryn gets to stay with him. The most she is in daycare during a given week is 3.5 days. Dan cleans up the house and cooks, can it get better than that. He is a blessing since my job can make for some late nights.

So much for my 3 lb baby. At 5ish months she is around 15lbs! She is huge comepared to where she started.

I have some thoughts I want to share about how her birth has impacted the mom I am now...good and bad... I will leave that for another day.

Wordless Wednesday...

My baby girl...

My baby girl is 7 weeks old...

Where has time gone? I waited my whole life to get to this point and now it is just flying by me so fast. This could have something to do with me sleeping most of my days away. I find it easier to stay up during the night rather than get up every 2 hours to feed Camryn. Obviously this will change when I go back to work at the end of May but it works for now. I am really dreading going back to work. I also have to go back a lot sooner than I expected so that is making me really sad.

When we first came home Camryn would sleep 99% of the day. She still sleeps a lot but does have spurts of time where she is awake. She can hold her head up for short periods of time and turns when Dan or I talk. She absolutely loves bath time. She fusses when you change her diaper or take off her blanket.

She amazes me everyday...